Viewer’s Guide to Star Trek Into Darkness, FAQ

Q: Why does my face hurt?
A: Because you’ve been smiling for the better part of 2 hours and 12 minutes. You couldn’t help it, given all the spaceships, fisticuffs, countdowns, and explosions.

Q: Don’t forget the frequent leaping off high places into certain doom.
A: Yes, cutie-pies in Federation uniforms are not allowed to hesitate. They run full steam ahead, and if there’s a cliff, they run faster. Similarly, they are required to accept all Calls to Adventure. Anytime Adventure so much as clears her throat, they snap to it and shout, “Yes, ma’am!” Doesn’t it warm the cockles of your heart?

Q: By “cutie-pies,” I presume you mean Chris Pine?
A: They’re all cutie-pies! But yeah, I mean Chris Pine.

Q: He is a very Kirky Kirk.
A: The Kirkiest. Spock was Spocky, too.

Q: Oh no, you’re about to start in on how the Kirk-Spock duality is an image of our collective inner cry for wholeness, aren’t you?
A: Of course I am! Nobody wants to be only logical or only emotional. We yearn for both, in harmonious proportion. That’s why we blubber when Kirk and Spock get all mushy with each other. If those two can be such great friends, maybe there’s hope for our own fragmented psyches to make peace within themselves.

Q: Speak for yourself. I didn’t blubber. But I liked it when they sprang the old gag, “Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise…”
A: Mmm. In the tv show, that was the invocation. Here it’s a benediction. But don’t give me that crap about not crying. I was there. I saw you whip out the kleenex.

Q: I had allergies.
A: I see. Well, give it time. That green Vulcan blood of yours might adjust to Earth’s atmosphere yet, you never know.