Viewer’s Guide to Les Miserables, FAQ

Q: I’m about 6 1/2 hours into the movie, and so far no one can sing.
A: Some actual vocalists show up briefly around the 8-hour mark. You’ll know them because they aren’t famous Hollywood egos, and their songs have emotional impact.

Q: The music is all tra-la-la but the images are revolting. I have a headache.
A: It’s called cognitive dissonance. You’ll have to restore cognitive consonance later by calling something as you see it, e.g. “That movie blew chunks.”

Q: Why doesn’t Wolverine unsheathe his claws and dispense with all this nonsense?
A: We’re supposed to pretend that Wolverine doesn’t have claws. I don’t know why.

Q: I keep thinking it’s about to end, but it doesn’t!
A: Leave. Get up and walk out. You’ll respect yourself more in the morning.

Q: Why is Anne Hathaway still anorexic even when she’s an angel or ghost or whatever?
A: The only difference between the movie’s hellish heaven and its hellish realm of the living is that heaven has bathtubs. Also we can’t rule out the possibility that this scene portrays Hathaway’s shampooed zombie. Why did you stay for the whole thing??